Advice 10/26/20- Hot Dogs and Spirits

  • Advice
Dear Dashing Galoot,
Is a hot dog a sandwich?

-Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

It is kind of you not to refer to your friend by his or her real name, but hot dog is an interesting choice. The first lesson to you is: Capitalize other people’s names! Secondly, he’s only a sandwich if you make him a sandwich. So how do I go about this, you might ask? Well, you find two large pieces of plywood and put one on the wall, and one on your stomach. Put enough space between you and him so you can get a full head of steam when you smash into him and squish him. Add dijon mustard and cilantro to taste. Please, this is a more experimental piece of advice, so let us know how it goes.

Hi Mr. Galoot,

I have a problem. You see, where I live has a problem with air flow so that if anyone passes by my door it rattles a whole bunch and makes me nervous. I recently started locking the door to allay some of my fears by my roommate doesn’t seems to like that. Is there anyway I can convince him to change his mind? Or do I just need to face my fears?

          -Perplexed in Pittman

Dear Perplexed,

That is most unfortunate! Are you sure the rattling is air flow? Halloween is around the corner, so perhaps it is a spirit. Or possibly your roommate is a spirit. If not, get a new door. Otherwise, go up to your roommate while he sleeps. Stroke his ear with something that feels weird, and record the yelp he makes. If it is higher than an A#5, he is a spirit. Pull out your vodka (fight spirits with spirits), and douse him then strike a match. Quickly extinguish the fire or run out of the room. Your room will be purged one way or another.

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