How to Eat Cheese

What follows is a nostalgic reminiscence of the good ol’ days of eating cheese. If you can’t handle the envy of listening to someone else eat cheese, skip ahead to the how-to section below.

It was like the start of a dairy tale. I strutted into Kwik Trip, knowing only one princess could make a happy ending – cheese. Heaps of it.

Some walk into stores looking for a bite of cheese. Some look for cheesy breadsticks. I was searching for pure, raw, unfiltered cheese. Although filtered cheese might be exciting.

My stomach was like an anti-udder, ready to undo the hard work of a million mama mooers. I ripped open my freshly bought 8 oz. pack of cheese slices and shoved one into my face.

My stomach was like an anti-udder, ready to undo the hard work of a million mama mooers

The faint smell of cheddar wafted into my nose as I mashed the dairy to a pulp. I swallowed and stuffed some more in. So delicious.

If ever I had been given a taste of pure bliss, it was then. Sitting on a Kwik Trip stool swinging my legs, I had an enraptured smile plastered on my face as I mowed down the remainder of the cheese. As I put down the eighth piece, my gut felt strangely empty, like I could eat two more packs of cheese.

Nowadays, eating cheese is a lost art form. People rarely eat the divine lactose with the respect it deserves anymore – O the humanity! I fondly remember the glory days, two months ago, when people ate cheese right.

However, as any Dashing Galoot knows, the only way to fix a world-wide crisis is to do it yourself. Thus, I have compiled a how-to manual on the best way to consume your cheese.

1. Preparation

Cheese is cheese. As they say, “If your cheese ain’t moldin’, your cheese is golden.”

Any cheddar that hasn’t gone bad yet is fit for consumption. Whether you deep fry it, slice it, or sprinkle it on lasagna in the shape of a cowboy cockroach, it’s still going to be cheese – which means it’s not merely edible, it’s devourable.

“If your cheese ain’t moldin’, your cheese is golden”

Gussying up your cheese is like putting hats on Mt. Rushmore. It’s impressive you got a hat that big, and it’s not completely ugly, but it’s best when you leave it alone to enjoy in its raw beauty.

The long and short of it is, you don’t need to do any fancy preparation to enjoy your cheese.

2. The Journey to the Mouth

The step the most people mangle is bringing the cheese to one’s mouth. Because it is so tempting to stuff the cheese immediately in, most do not do this consumptive action correctly (or at all; for example, the classic move of shoving one’s face into a charcuterie board).

Salivary glands do not take kindly to being neglected. But when they are allowed to flood your mouth with a dissolving deluge of spit, your experience is enhanced.

Bringing the cheese slowly to your mouth allows the tension to build, and the wait allows you to enjoy your cheese for longer. When it finally hits your tongue, the anticipation will have flavored the cheese better than any parsley leaf or orange peel.

The correct method is to pinch the cheese between two fingers. Then, counting to 12 silently, lift it slowly to your mouth. Keep your lips closed until the moment of entry to minimize saliva dribble. Finally, insert heaven into your mouth.

3. Chewing

The deed must be done. Bring your milk mushers down onto the cheese, slowly grinding it into fragments. Let the cheesy goudaness (come on. I had to make one cheese pun) roll around on your tongue so you can enjoy all 5 facets of its flavor.

Sweet. Sour. Bitter. Salty. Umami.

After sufficient demolition of the cheese’s structural integrity, you may allow the treasure to slide down your throat. You are the theme park, and the cheese is the tourist, riding the roller coaster of your esophagus.

Soon it will reach your stomach. For us lactose-tolerant Galoots, digestion begins. For the others… well, there’s a reason cheesy isn’t spelled ch-easy.

22. Digestion

No, that’s not a typo. 22 is the number of cheese.

As the cheese resides in your gut, you are now a new person. What will the glorious food inside you inspire you to do? Its protein strengthens your limbs and its fats strengthen your resolve.

Will you go out and take on that project avoiding you like a child with chores to do? Will you explore your neighborhood and see what bounteous booty it has to offer? Mild cheddar does not permit mild-mannered deeds.

Instead, let your culinary conquest drive you to a higher purpose. Leave behind a world as intolerant to true galoots as an unfortunate few are to cheese, and come back transformed. You can be the enzyme dissolving others until they become digestible humans.