Advice

Dear Dashing Galoot,

I want to know if my wife can be a dashing galoot. She says I can use this site if she can be one too.

-Confused in the Big Apple

Dear Confused,

There’s always incognito mode, sir, if you are being oppressed. Back when The Dashing Galoot published in the USSR, we had to publish in English to escape the censors! It was hard.

However: Your wife CAN be a dashing galoot! We are not exclusive! But if she is still unsure, she can check out this quiz: Can YOU be a galoot?

Dear Dashing Galoot,

How do I stop listening to only the song boyfriend by big time rush on repeat?

-Gosh I don’t know

Dear Gosh,

That’s hard! But I’m going to say that the underlying problem isn’t in your music tastes (it does feat. Snoop Dog after all), it’s in your relationship status. The lyrics of this song clearly appeal to anyone desperate for love (“All I really want is to be your boy boy b-b-b-b-b-b-b-boyfriend”).

So, what I recommend is dating a goldfish for a month. At first, everything will go swimmingly. He flounders around in there, you look at him and smile with love. But eventually you get bored. Is this all there is to love you think? But you don’t want to give up yet! 

Three weeks later you think, this dude’s never even asked what my favorite song is! Something’s fishy! Love stinks! And you completely give up on love and no longer need to listen to the song on repeat.

Dear Dashing Galoot,

How do I bring myself to eat my Pokémon cereal that may be worth something someday?

-Things

Pokemon Cereal Family Size - 17oz - General Mills : Target

Dear Things,

That must be a tremendous struggle for you. But let me remind you: Pokemon come out of Poke-balls. If you consume these pieces of cerea;, YOU will become the Poke-ball! If all goes according to plan and the Pokemon find your stomach to be a worthy abode, you will be able to spew Pokemon out of your mouth at any time! 

Eat up!

Dear Dashing Galoot,

I need to buy more Minecraft legos but I don’t know which ones to buy! Help me!

-Lameo

Dear Lameo,

What you need is the pig house.

Clearly an essential to any normal person, it is even more so in Minecraft. What to do if you are getting hungry? EAT YOUR HOUSE! Yum!

This also shows that you love pigs, which makes it easier to betray them and turn them into bacon.

 

Dear Dashing Galoot… Oh how we love to hear those words from your mouth! Or from your fingers, if you’re typing. Please share with us your tribulations, be they minor or major, huge or massive. We will do the best that is humanly possible to solve your problems in a stunningly unexpected way- all you need to do is fill out this form!

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