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The Galoot Life

Sometimes, learning to be one the best people in the world (i.e., a Dashing Galoot) can get a little abstract. With submissions from Dashing Galoots who have tried this stuff themselves, you can see what it is like to take theory to the battlefield of real life. If you have a contribution of any type (a question, a story, an advice request, etc.) you can send it in to the submission form here or email!

November 22, 2022

Dear Dashing Galoot,

My dog won’t stop eating trash.


Dear Sad Dog Owner,

Thank you for sending in your problem. There’s a number of things you can do to fix your dog’s diet!

First, psychoanalyze your dog. Why is he eating trash? Perhaps you are not feeding him enough. Perhaps you are feeding him unappetizing food. If you offer him boiled lobsters thrice a week, I assure you the trash-eating will subside.

However, your budget might not allow for lobsters every week, in which case you must buy live lobsters. You can now spend all the time you should have spent training your dog on training the lobsters to follow your dog around. Whenever he lunges for a bite of trash, SNIP! The lobsters take a chunk out of his hide. This will stop the behavior quickly. 

Dear Dashing Galoot,

How to music?


Dear Wannabe Musician,

I did, in fact, write an article about just this subject! However, that was my first article, so the concept is due for some revisions.

Really, musicking is simple. Most people assume that the sign of good music is that people don’t want you to stop. WRONG! Most people beg good music to stop. Their unenlightened ears cannot handle the splendor.

Thus, if you really want to know how to music, you must start making music others cannot handle. Bang on walls. Whistle nonstop. Yodel, even. Just when you have lost your audience, you will have gained true musicianship.

Dear Dashing Galoot,

Help! My roommate always showers at 6:00am when I need to use the bathroom!


Dear Disgruntled Roommate,

This seems rather pointed, as I too always shower at 6:00am. Clearly it is not your roommate’s behavior that needs to change.

Nevertheless, you have several options. First, is there a handy forest/arboretum which you might use instead? If so, wonderful! Your problem is solved.

If not, don’t worry. There is always a Plan B. When you wake up with your bladder screaming in desperation, and all around you see nothing but desolate wasteland with zero bathrooms, panic.

Then focus entirely on panicking. This will not only distract you from your need to leak, it will also give you strength and energy you normally wouldn’t have at 6 in the morning. In your panicked state, fling yourself at the bathroom door again and again. When your roommate hears the pounding, he will also panic and hurry out of the shower. No doubt the bathroom will be all yours within 20 seconds.

Plus, now you don’t need coffee to wake up!

Dear Dashing Galoot,

Solve my daddy issues.


Dear Unsuccessful Father,

It is unclear from your question whether you are a bad dad or have one. Perhaps both. Either way, I can help you.

Some people think bad parents should have less children. Really, they should have more. 12 is a good number to start with. Practice makes perfect after all, so by number 11 you’ll be a great dad. Don’t worry about the trial kids, they’ll turn out fine.

If instead your problem is you have a bad dad, the same thing still applies, except you have to provide the extra children. There are lots of good places to find children. Playgrounds, school buses, libraries; round ’em up and bring ’em home. Once you have around 12 children, brainwash them into believing they’ve always been in your family with selective popsicle bribery. Soon your daddy issues will be solved.

Dear Dashing Galoot,

A while ago I sent in my absentee ballot to vote! Now, while I am glad that I could perform this service to my country, I am highly disappointed. This is because when you send an absentee ballot in, you don’t get an “I Voted!” sticker. And I voted!
To make things even worse (as if they could be), this is my first time voting so I’ve never once gotten to have my very own “I Voted!” sticker!!!!
What can be done???!!??!?!?!??!?!?

-Sad Voter

Dear Sad Voter,

I am very sorry for your loss. “I voted” stickers are the main reason why we vote, after all. But please, don’t stop voting because you didn’t get one this time! There are solutions!

First, you can make your own sticker! Scotch tape, copy paper, and crayons might smell like voter fraud, but you’ll know you really voted.

Or you can wear a Dashing Galoot sticker instead! Email to request your sticker today! Who knows, you might see his name on the next ballot.

If all else fails, don’t worry. You still have a mouth. In fact, more people would probably know that you voted if you shouted, “I voted!” wherever you go than if you just wore a sticker.  

Dear Dashing Galoot

I read your article about being a fall girl, but I don’t like pumpkin spice! Is there an adequate substitute?

-Someone of Mysterious Origin

Dear Someone,

Have no fear! You can still be a Fall Girl. Any fall spice will do instead of pumpkin spice. Gourd spice, squash spice, leaf spice, candy corn spice, or even caramel apple spice can be a flavor you will dedicate your life to. Or at least your fall.

The key is to love spiciness more than a habanero pepper. As everyone knows, you are what you eat, so this will help you have a spicy personality. And when you have a spicy personality, you will almost too much to handle, but subtle enough that no one will get enough of you.

Be the spice you want to see in the world.

Dear Dashing Galoot,

I am having difficulties finding the most galootish way to drink coffee. I’ve found Starbucks to be too normal, and the Dining Hall coffee too boring. A Keurig seems to be pretty wasteful, so what do you suggest?

-An East Coast Eccentric

Dear Eccentric,

Although I do not have much coffee drinking experience, I am nonetheless an expert on the subject. All of the options you mention are valid, but you have neglected the simplest and most effective method.

Open your bag of beans. Grab a handful. Then stuff them into your mouth and chew.

Not only does this allow you to experience more of the coffee bean flavor than you would by cutting them up and diluting them with water, it strengthens your jaw and your willpower. Moreover, everyone will instantly know you are a Dashing Galoot when they see you chewing raw coffee beans.

If this seems too strong for you, don’t worry. The taste of the raw beans is easily enhanced by squirting whipped cream into your mouth with every bite, and this will increase your status to any onlooker.

Dear Dashing Galoot,

I got three epic new Dashing Galoot stickers, but I don’t know which place would display them the most dashingly!

-A Loyal Dashing Galoot Customer

Dear Loyal Dashing Galoot,

What a dilemma! But certainly a very fortunate dilemma! Here are three ideas for displaying your new stickers: 

1) As a bumper sticker on your Lamborghini (if you don’t have one, a bicycle will suffice)
2) On the ceiling above your pillow. This way you will think Dashing Galoot thoughts before you go to bed every night.
3) On Aaron Rodger’s jersey, for maximum publicity.

Dear Dashing Galoot,

I want to be everything when I grow up. Colleges don’t let you be everything!

-A Dashing Galoot Instagram Follower

Dear other dashing galoot,

I feel ya! It’s so hard to choose one thing to do. The good news is that you’re not locked in to any one career path, and you can always switch jobs. Most people have over 12 jobs in a lifetime, in fact. Plus, there are many ways to do many things without making it a career. As a Dashing Galoot, you probably have many eccentric hobbies, and your unchosen careers can become another one. Don’t give up on your Dashing Dreams!

Dear Dashing Galoot,

Is there a way to obtain Dashing Galoot stickers when not in person?

-Avid Galoot Sticker Fan

Dear Sticker Fan,

There is! If you’d like to get one of the stickers pictured below, email The Dashing Galoot at We’ll find a way to try and get it to you.

Dear Dashing Galoot,

My brother likes to drop the ukulele I got him in my bedroom over and over again and it tears apart the very fibres of my soul. How can I end this madness?

-El Tonto

Dear Tonto,

Oh the humanity! How could your brother disregard your generous gift in such a fashion? I am surprised you have any “fibres” left in your soul to be torn after this monstrosity! As to a solution, is your brother that you gifted a ukulele to an adorable 2-year-old? If so, I’m afraid the situation is hopeless – adorable 2-year-olds are typically Cute Galoots.

Cute Galoots are a dangerous subcategory of the Galoot family. While Dashing Galoots are certainly superior, Cute Galoots are sometimes more powerful. They clearly do many things to prove they are Galoots (such as drop ukuleles), but they are hard to stop when they get out of hand because they are so Cute.

Oftentimes society will side with a Cute Galoot perpetrator, offering useless platitudes like, “He didn’t know any better,” or “But he’s so cute!” Well, duh, they’re cute. It’s in their name. But justice must be served. Since no one else will, you must be the waiter serving up a side of well-done justice in this circumstance. I leave the means up to you, but please be discrete considering that society will likely side against you.

Dear Dashing Galoot,

I find myself drawn to pickles with every meal. My friends tell me this is an unhealthy addiction. Instead of eating healthy greens I just eat pickles! How do I fix this problem? I know the first step to getting better is acknowledging the problem but they taste so good 🙂

-Senior Chairperson with Pickle Club Inc.


Dear Chairperson of Dubitable Credentials,

This is a much less severe than our friend Tonto’s problem above. First of all, you are right. Pickles are amazing. Second of all, you are right again. You are probably eating too many pickles. However, as Senior Chairperson with Pickle Club Inc. you have a certain reputation to uphold. Clearly, the problem is not that you are eating too many pickles, it is that you are not getting your nutrition in other ways. In fact, as Senior Chairperson you probably have to eat at least 20 pickles a day to prove your legitimacy.

On the other hand, the amount of pickles you have to consume contains a lot of sodium. Hopepfully my next statement does not resalt in you feeling insalted or salty or desaltory. You’re gonna need a lot of water.

It probably will be inconvenient for you to drink enough water to counteract the sodium, since you’ll be needing to talk for chairpersony things. What you’re going to need is shoes full of water to help absorb the water through your skin, which occurs most effectively in pruned skin (well, maybe not).

On second thought, maybe lay off the pickles. You could try breaking your addiction by forcing yourself to eat pickle spears the long way. You won’t be able to bear it for long enough to feed your addiction.

Dear Dashing Galoot,

I’m a longtime fan of your motivational blog, and I think I’m really close to becoming a true “Dashing Galoot.” The thing is, I don’t think I can nail the “dashing” part. You see… I don’t have any legs. How can I still become a dashing, running, walking, or even standing galoot without these essential limbs (which you sport so handsomely, I might add)?

-The Legless Galoot

Dear Legless Galoot,

First off, I think you’re pulling my leg. If you aren’t, then I’m very sorry for your lack of limbs and the running jokes I am about to make.

These are the steps you need to take:

  • Get a leg up on the competition by consistently reading articles here
  • Keep me informed with everything afoot in your life by submitting galoot updates regularly
  • Put on your big boy/girl pants and go through some uncomfortable interactions to become bolder
  • Jump ahead to more advanced things when you think you’re ready, like demonstrating your dashingness to your friends with well-timed quips and compliments
  • When you take a step back from this grueling regimen, make sure to check out the new Dashing Galoot Instagram

Of course, as I’m sure you knew, being “Dashing” has very little to do with actually dashing. To be dashing means to be bold, adventurous, well-liked, and suave. You can do all of this with or without legs – good luck!

Dear Dashing Galoot,

How would you suggest I inspire myself to read a book? I’m worried that I will never be able to read a book again, and even some Muppet memes haven’t done the trick. I’m scared to take cues from Martin Luther and the realm of self-flagellation so do you have any other ways in mind?

-A Procrastinating Book Reader

Dear Reader,

Self-flagellation is definitely not the way to go. Although they do say ‘no pain no gain’, you’re looking for a book, not laundry detergent. But if even Muppet memes haven’t been inspirational enough for you, your situation is quite dire. 

Funny Muppet Quotes. QuotesGram

If even this proven method isn’t working for you, you will probably have to go with the harshest and most desperate method. Take a book, open it up, and look at it for several minutes. This will, in almost all cases, result in reading, but has none of the enjoyment that Muppet memes have.

Dear Dashing Galoot,

How do I stop asking so many questions? Can you help me? Are you awesome? Why can’t I stop? Will you find me a therapist?

-Isaiah O’Day

Dear Isaiah,

Wow! That was a lot of questions! You are always welcome to send your questions to the Dashing Galoot; an inquisitive spirit is part of what makes a great Galoot. 

But if you really want to stop, I recommend duct tape. It truly does fix everything, so it can fix your problem too. A single strip over the mouth will probably not be enough, though, since chain question-askers often have very strong lungs, unlike chain smokers. You will probably have to wrap a long strip around your head and mouth several times. This will effectively cure you of all question asking until the tape is removed. Avoid wrapping the tape over your nose, or you might find other things will stop along with your question asking.


Dear Dashing Galoot,

I feel insulted because people call me bird-brain. How can I be a dashing galoot but not feel insulted? My DND experience is being ruined.



Dear Ducciarr,

First, you must accept yourself and come into inner peace. You are a bird-brain and you know it. Repeat this mantra in your head 3 times a day: “I am a bird-brain and I know it, I am a bird-brain and I know it, I am a bird-brain and I know it.” Soon you will become accustomed to how much of a bird-brain you are, and this self-acceptance will give you greater confidence and make you more dashing.

Dear Dashing Galoot,

Something moved in my house but I didn’t move it. I think there’s a ghost. S.O.S. (If you don’t know how to get rid of ghosts, you can offer ways of befriending the ghost, too)

-Classy Teacher

Ghost 1

Dear Teacher,

Oh no! This sort of situation is particularly dangerous for dashing galoots such as yourself (presumably), since ghosts are attracted to your aura of amazingness. I think the best way of getting rid of this ghost is making it believe it has competition.

Have you ever tried to convince someone else that something was haunted? This is very similar, except you are tricking the ghost, not a person. Make suspicious noises like clanking and howling. Move things to places where they shouldn’t be. Create gusts of wind that blow the curtains aside – from inside. The ghost will become certain that there is another, more powerful ghost around and will find an easier home to haunt. 

Dear Dashing Galoot,

Every day I have two ten minute walks between classes and I have no idea how to spend that time. What could I do?



Dear Solutionless,

Yikes! How do your legs handle so much walking? How does your mind handle so much boredom? Of course, I would love to spice up your daily walks with some fresh ideas.

You could practice your roasts on passersby. Look at unusual things about them, and when you think of clever quips either mutter them to yourself or do them a favor and yell out your insult to them. This is very helpful to people because then they know what they can improve on. Usually they will be very thankful for your generous help.

Otherwise, you could practice your swagger during your walks. Take long strides and alternate moving each shoulder up and down. Stand up straight and look people in the eye. Never move out of anyone’s way, and if you run into anyone you can say, “You’re welcome” because they are probably thankful that you showed them that they were walking in a bad spot.

 Dear Dashing Galoot… Oh how we love to hear those words from your mouth! Or from your fingers, if you’re typing. Please share with us your struggles in living the Dashing Galoot life, your successes, your questions, or anything that strikes your fancy as potentially being appealing to other members of the Dashing Galoot community! The excessively wise fellow pictured below will select the best entries and respond to them.

And don’t forget to subscribe! There’s a nice little bar in the top right that you can put your email address in and I’ll send you amusing, zesty emails notifying you when we post new content.