This Christmas my gift to you is the 12 Dashing Galoot articles of Christmas – one every day until the big day itself. Check the site every morning to be the first to read these semi-Christmas-themed pieces of nonsense!
Figgy Pudding is the most coveted item at Christmas. What other item has an entire verse of a Christmas carol written about it? Unfortunately, you’re unlikely to see it at your Christmas dinner these days.
I would make a figgy pudding, but the recipe is ridiculous. Currants? Candied orange and lemon peel? Treacle? Hard Sauce? What in tarnation is Hard Sauce? But if you ever want your guests to leave, you’re going to have to have a figgy pudding!
As everyone knows, the second verse of We Wish You a Merry Christmas goes “Oh, bring us some figgy pudding.” The third verse sings, “We won’t go until we get some!” And the fourth says, “We all like our figgy pudding!” Clearly, you will have some unhappy guests if you don’t have figgy pudding. You yourself will probably be extremely disgruntled.
Unless you’re a master chef, you’re going to have to come up with a different way to provide figgy pudding. The title might have given it away: you need to be the figgy pudding.
How could one replace something as magnificent and delicious as figgy pudding, you might ask? Only by being something equally magnificent and delicious.
I can’t tell you exactly how to achieve this. Some people are sweet, some are spicy, and some are a bit more umami. Be true to your own flavor. However, I can offer a couple suggestions.
A key ingredient of figgy pudding is 4 ounces of shredded beef suet. Now, it’s hard to be all three at once. For some it’s easier to be suet than shredded. But being either shredded, beefy, or suet should suffice to convince your guests you really are figgy pudding.
Another key ingredient is brandy. Without brandy, you have to store your pudding in the fridge and eat it in a week! How horrific. Brandy will help your figgy pudding last months or years! After all, “the flavors only get better over time!”
If you play your cards right, your flavors will also only get better over time. As you galoot and cavort in a dashing way at your social occasions, people will long to have you around more. They might even keep you out of the fridge!
Really, though, what makes a figgy pudding figgy pudding is its texture. Wet, sticky, spongy. Mmm.
I’m not saying you should be wet, sticky, and spongy. But I kind of am. Because that’s how you’re gonna get people saying, “We won’t go until we get some!”