See, I’m really good at crashing. Not because I’ve done it a lot – I got it right on my first try, actually, which shows that I’m a natural, like Michael Jordan or Tiger Woods. Maybe seeing how I did it will improve your crashing skills as well!
So it all started when I got in the car. Obviously. It was only my third time driving, but being a dashing galoot I felt quite confident in my driving skills. I knew how to turn a wheel – I was brought up in a rich tradition of begging to play Mario Kart. I knew how to press a pedal – I biked to school every day for four years!
So when my mom asked me if I could back out of our driveway on my own, of course I said yes! No matter that the space between a wall and my brother’s car was only a couple feet wider than the width of the car – How hard can it be? So I start pulling out to get to the door and pick up my mom, and back through the gap ever so slowly…
I realize that the car isn’t moving anymore, so I ease up on the brake a little bit to go faster. Nothing. I step on the gas a little, and finally I make a little progress. OK, I though, maybe I’m stuck in our 4-inch-wide flowerbed. So I try to go forwards. Nothing.
Fuming harder the the exhaust pipe of the car, I step out and immediately realize my problem. The brick corner of our house had the car in a death grip.
I knew I must save the car from the evil wall, so (being the gallant knight errant I am) I rushed to use my weightlifting skills newly acquired from my college gym to lift the car to the side. I heaved. I got under the car and hoed. I grunted loudly. To no avail. The puny brown Saturn had foiled my biceps.
Forlorn, I got help. As the car rolled free, I glumly thought of my failure.
But it was not until later that I realized my great success! I had crashed a car and was entirely uninjured and barely damaged the car! Those are some MAD skills! It was then that I realized my true talent. As a result, I am currently offering my skills for $50 per car you would like me to crash. Custom collisions are available for a slightly increased price. (fees on services may apply, see igotscammed.com for details)
Please fill out the form below to reserve my services.
