The Handsome Hog

Ah, hunger. The greatest thing before sliced bread. Because otherwise we wouldn’t care about the bread. But you, oh aspiring dashing galoot, hunger for more than bread! Wealth! Fame! A perfectly golden marshmallow! May all who eat burnt marshmallows wither and burn from the inside out like their twisted creations!

But I was actually hungry for bread. Or any food, really.

I said, “I’ll be back with something fun!” My feet said, “McDonald’s is the only place within a mile!” I went to McDonald’s.

I dashed off to fill my tummy with nugs!

“Ah, what a fine figure I must cut!” I thought as my hair flowed in the wind and my blue button-up swooshed. I remembered a restaurant I had just seen that morning called The Handsome Hog and thought, “That first part describes me perfectly!”

WRONG!

The second part described me! I was an ABSOLUTE PIGHEAD!

I reached a stoplight and checked my directions. I HAD RUN THE EXACT OPPOSITE DIRECTION OF MCDONALDS.

Ah, no matter! Perhaps I had the brains of a hog, but I had the legs of a horse! Off I galloped!

It was not long until there I was… right where I started.

Ok, ok, good warmup.

And then I walked. Yes, yes, very shameful. I stopped running. Comment about my shame below if you want to rightly destroy my feelings about it.

But I did take shortcuts! Soon I was walking to the golden arches, salivating like a Husky with a piece of bacon.

I reached the door. “Drive-Thru only at this time.”

WHAT!?!

After all this way? I would not be so easily deterred.

I tried the door. It was locked.

I walked up to the device that takes orders from cars. “Helloooooooooooo?” I figured they must not be able to see me in the darkness, Handsome Hog though I be. “HELLOoOoOoO??” Hmm…

I marched up to the window and pleaded for Big Macs. The man looked me in the eye and said softly

“No. We could never turn down a Handsome Hog like you.”

I was stunned. Or I would have been if that happened. As it was, I snagged four Big Macs and waved to the man who pulled up behind me, but his look said it all. “Darn those Handsome Hogs!”

I grabbed the grub and skedaddled.

Your Own Dashing Adventure!

Get your own burger here! Quite a handsome hog, if you ask me! Otherwise, if that’s not doing it for you, you can patronize Starbucks and give your name as The Handsome Hog. Thank them profusely when they call your name; it’s not every day a person is so flattered.

Don’t forget to subscribe to get updates! The best thing since I ran out of sliced bread in my dorm room! And we need your advice questions as much as you need our help with your questions! Please head to the advice page and send ’em in!