Birth
As I rise from my slumber, the world is bleary to me. My thoughts are thick sludge in my noggin. An infantile curiosity fills me as I wonder, “What is that PIPSQUIDDLY noise?!” I cry, “Shut up!” and flail my arms until I quiet it. I arise, like a Greek god of babies; majestic, yet feeling like a cracked statue.
Childhood
I then consume a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I lick my lips with gusto. Bright colors adorn my body and I sing in the shower. People give me odd looks as I contort my face to keep it loose and agile.
Curiosity killed the annoying statistics student. “Umm, isn’t that spelled with two Ts?” I ask the teacher with feigned innocence.
Later, I do a jig in my room to burn off the large amount of cheese I just consumed. (see above for demonstration)
Teenhood
I wonder, “What is my purpose in life? Why am I here? I am just a cast-out black sheep, I am a purple pig because I look weird and people want to turn me into lunch meat! Well, maybe the lunch meat part at least.”
Adulthood
“How are you?” “I’m good.”
“How are you?” “I’m good.”
“How are you?” “I’m good.”
I say it to everyone walking past. Really, I am well, but I always have a nagging feeling I’ll end up in a well if I correct them.
I go to work and promptly pull out a book. It is titled, “A 300 Page Thesis on How to Look Really Smart,” and mostly it takes 300 pages to tell you to carry the book around with you.
That was a lie, but when you’re an adult you can tell white lies, right? Just imagine that the font was white. The book’s font sure could’ve been white, for all I got out of it.
Death
Death is a dreamless sleep. I usually try to get there sooner by doing wall handstands just beforehand, but I’ve always survived. Sometimes I even eat hard salami, but my liver is intact.
My Epic Return
Somehow I always come back. I’m 6888/6888 so far, which is pretty good if you ask anyone who’s 6887/6888. This is good, because it means YOU can be on the page as a Dashing Galoot of the Week! Just fill out this form below!
I want YOU to fill out that form!
