WANTED:

Help, I’ve lost something! “Your sanity?” you may ask. No, you fool! That’s been gone a long time. Yes, yes, I’m the fool, not you. But no time for semantics- I’ve lost my blogetic muse!

“What is that?” You ask. Or you don’t, because you’re too busy laughing at my knuckleheadedness. However, it’s like a poetic muse, except prettier. She’s never sent me a picture, but let me describe her to you.

Perfect lines. Lines, upon lines, upon lines. Beautiful lines.

“Why so obsessed with lines?” you say. Awfully inquisitive today, aren’t you? Well, lines are quite important! Ask a three year old trying to draw! Or a bettor! Or anyone waiting for a COVID test these days! They are very important!

Secondly, her hair is golden. It resembles all the money she gets for me. “That’s no way to treat a woman!” you say. I say, “WOULD YOU BE QUIET FOR A SECOND?!”

She’s NOT a real person? OK? Yes, I have to make up people that talk to me! I’m a blogger, what do you expect? Get it? Got it? Good.

Now that that’s out of the way, back to her money. She helps me write words which bring you to my page which make me lots of $$$! “How?” you say. Aren’t you a little young to be on a computer, reader, with all these questions you’re asking? “Who?” “What?” “Why?” “Why?” “Wy?” “Y?”

Kids these days can’t spell like they did in my day.

But how, you ask- I don’t have any ads here! It’s quite simple – I SELL ALL YOUR DATA TO GOOGLE!

No no no no stay it’s too late you can’t have it back now! Anyways I’m kidding! Mostly. Nobody wants the data I steal from you.

But also, and this is her defining feature, she’s super wacky. Like bouncing off the walls, crazy ideas all the time, just completely a galoot, you know? She helps me get all my ideas for my blog! She’s indispensable, the dashingest galoot! You’ll know as soon as you meet her.

So the reward. If you can help reunite us it would stitch together my torn apart heart. I will give 100£ to whoever can return her to me. Please!

Oh, hold on a second. Wait a minute… One hour please. That doesn’t make sense. Well this does! She was with me this WHOLE TIME! She helped me write this! Augh, the rascal. I gotta do something quick….

Will you…

Darn it. Hey Google, how do I get home from “Friend Zone”?

“Already working on it, Jonas. You sold me your data!”

Shoot.

Well, we’re hoping for some new advice requests… maybe don’t ask about sensitive topics… but put ’em in this form right down below and get wonderful and possibly useless advice!

Dashing? Galooty? Tell us whatcha think!
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