Advice 11/2- Pug and the Girlz

Dear Dashing Galoot,

Why do all y’all have such weird accents? It really throws off my groove. How can I make you stop saying Skol?

-Your Neighbor in South Dakota

Dear Neighbor,

It is a practiced art, accents.

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Those accents look normal to me! I think you are mistaken. Maybe if the Packers could beat the Vikings the “Skol”-ing would stop.

Dear Dashing Galoot,

What’s the weirdest smell in the world and how do I recreate it?

-Smelly Nelly

Dear Smelly,

Have you ever smelled rhubarb covered in ramen noodle seasoning fermented in the belly of a hippopotamus for three weeks? Me neither, but it’s pretty weird. The first two parts are easy compared to the hippo unless you have very strange, large, and grey friends. 

Dear Dashing Galoot,

I just think people in Pittman really suck. They don’t have any courtesy and are just kind of stuck up. Why don’t the RAs do anything to stop it? Half of them are traveling to other colleges and probably spreading COVID. It’s really making me mad. Maybe the galoots can start a club and help stop such a thing? I don’t know. Just wanted to vent.

-Occupant of Norelius

Dear Occupant,

I am sorry. We can start a club to exterminate COVID in Pittman! That’s a good idea. I vote you as president. All in favor? It’s unanimous. But seriously, it is quite a travesty. Maybe we could peddle vitamin D in the hallways of Pittman.

Dear Dashing Galoot,

How can I grow a beard like yours? I can’t grow any facial hair. You look really nice 

 -Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Wow! Thank you! It’s actually quite simple how I grow it. I treat each hair like a little child. I feed it lots (through my mouth, of course- it’s like baby robins) and then I praise them a lot. I look at them in the mirror and say, “You are beautiful. And you. And you…” 

But really. You are too kind.

Dear Dashing Galoot,

I have a dog named Winston, and he really reminds me of the prime minister Winston Churchill because of his cute face. Do you think that I can hide him in my dorm and get away with it? I think it might help me get some girls 🙂

-NW

Dear NW,

Have you met the prime minister you speak of? His face is a pile of dirt in a coffin currently. But I believe that your dog is really cute, and I do believe you can hide him in your room. The secret is to get a life size replica of him that barks so you can show that to anyone who is too suspicious. It really is kind of you to be looking out for Winston’s romantic interests like that!

Dear Dashing Galoot,

Why does Calvin have an issue with the word “is”? Does he not understand that he is missing the point? Is that last sentence even understandable for him? That is, can he comprehend the basic functions of grammar if it is right in front of him? Perhaps all of these sentences mean something different to him with h”is” strange vocabulary…

-Martin Luther

Dear Martin,

Well, the thing is, Calvin spends too much time with his tiger, Hobbes. The thing is an incorrigible fountain of corruption. It wouldn’t surprise me if he taught him to forget the most basic words of the English language at that point. Then again, I don’t know if Calvin ever could read that well. It’s good to hear from someone with such taste in comic strips, Mr. Luther!

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