When I was young, I dreamed of being a professional baseball player. I’m still young, but I’ve now realized that some people have even loftier goals than I did. They want to be Fall Girls.
Being a pro sports player is hard, but without the right teacher being a Fall Girl is harder. Fortunately, I, Fall Girl expert, am here to instruct you on what a Fall Girl is and how to act like one.
Why Would I Want To Be a Fall Girl? Do I have to be a Girl?
For readers who have not dreamed of being a Fall Girl since they were three, let me explain the benefits.
The top reason to be a Fall Girl is that you will realize how shallow everything is. You think that Venti Pumpkin Spice Latte is deep, but when you slurp it in two sips you see how shallow it really is. In the same way, when you realize being a Fall Girl is as elementary as the few traits I’ll soon enlighten you on, your eyes will be opened to how simple most things really are.
Fall Girls are also forces to be reckoned with. While Karens might wish to be Fall Girls, they can never match the heartless intensity Fall Girls use to master their craft. A Fall Girl never, ever lets someone get out of place in an artsy photo. A Fall Girl never lets a leaf get out of place. And a Fall Girl most certainly never lets anyone forget how amazing autumn is. Any offender knows they would be plucked apart like a maple leaf in October. When you become a Fall Girl, this power will be yours.
And don’t worry: Fall Girl is just a title. Anyone with the right qualities, even dudes, can qualify, just like anyone who isn’t the star of a sequel can be a Disney princess.
What Really Is a Fall Girl?
The suspense can go on no longer. At this point you are surely as eager as a Fall Girl for sweater weather to know how to be one. After extensive analysis, I have prepared the following three key methods:
1. Don’t think twice, just pumpkin spice
Forget about the lattes. With a Fall girl, everything is pumpkin spice. Pumpkin spice water, pumpkin spice salmon, pumpkin spice air. Pumpkin spice goes with everything.
For you Fall Girl wannabes, this means you need to get some pumpkin spice seasoning right now and smother everything with it. Culinary creations without the spice are desolate, barren, unfertilized soil. Like a desert planet.
2. It would be silly if you weren’t chilly
Fall Girls love sweaters. It’s a fashion statement, but it serves another purpose. Warmth. So when the mercury starts droppin’, Fall Girls start shoppin’. For sweaters.
Colder weather just means another sweater, right on top. The name is ironic, because even with five layers, Fall Girls aren’t sweating. They’re looking for a sixth.
For y’all, the message is clear. The more sweaters the better. Your torso ought to look like a forest fungus with the width your layers will add. Don’t skimp, just look like a blimp.
3. After you’re frozen, get started with posin’
Everyone knows a Fall Girl’s a Fall Girl. How? The pictures.
A Fall Girl takes several million pictures of their picturesque escapades. They aren’t just any pics, though. They are always expertly posed.
Perhaps a hip is protruding. An elbow escapes. The fingers fan out delicately, preferably holding a leaf or pumpkin. With the perfect head tilt, it all screams, “I LOVE FALL!”
These pictures are supplemented with videos of them leaping through leaves and hugging pumpkins and trees. This is the way for you to document that you are a Fall Girl. There is no test, like for being a Galoot; people will believe you if you have the evidence.
Just remember – whatever you do, don’t do it for the inherent enjoyment of the activity. Whether hiking in the fall colors, picking apples, or sipping cider, don’t focus on how nice those activities are. Instead, think about what you’re going to get from it: pictures, pictures, and glorious Fall Girl status.
Thus concludes the essence of being a Fall Girl. Stay tuned for how to be a Winter Boi. And even if you didn’t like this at all and hate Fall Girls, now you know how to infiltrate their ranks and bring them down from within.