This Christmas my gift to you is the 12 Dashing Galoot articles of Christmas – one every day until the big day itself. Check the site every morning to be the first to read these semi-Christmas-themed pieces of nonsense!
I ripped off my shirt and shoes and strutted through the locker room, flicking sweat off my brow. I felt like the Rock after a fantastic workout. Now I was ready to roast like a Thanksgiving turkey. Sauna time!
I waltzed along the side of the pool up to the sauna. The door was open. Huh. I guess it’ll take a little bit to warm up.
Then I saw the sign near the door: “Sauna is out of order.” NOOOOOOO. Salty water streamed down my face. It might have been sweat, but it was probably tears. My mouth contorted into a grimace of despair. I nearly keeled over onto my knees to weep out my heartbroken soul.
But I pulled it together. Brushing tears from my eyes, I walked over to the lifeguards. “Excuse me, *sniff* do you *tremulous voice crack* know when the *places hand over heart* sauna will be open again?”
They looked at me kinda funny and said, “Probably not until after break.” Two weeks? The misery!
I must add, my pal Jay was there this whole time. It had been years since he had used the sauna, and he was excited to have another shot being cooked. But cruel, cruel, fate had struck again, and both he and I were left out in the cold.
This was a very traumatic blow for me. I had been excited all morning to use the sauna, and now I couldn’t. The oven wasn’t big enough for me, and the hot tub was too cold. Nothing else would do. Most people only experience crises like this about once a lifetime.
I knew I had to take action before I snapped and became crazier than I already am. Hanging my head as I left the locker room, I suddenly knew what I had to do to boost my spirits.
Eat chocolate. So I ate two sandwiches, a carrot, a bunch of chocolate, and cookies, and I felt better.
I don’t know if it was the chocolate or the sandwiches, and I can’t go through that again to test a hypothesis, so I recommend eating both* if you are feeling mistreated by fate.
*chocolate and sandwiches not provided in this diagnosis. The Dashing Galoot is not liable for any and all side effects including but not limited to diarrhea, nausea, random bouts of smoldering, finding yourself to be inexplicable cooler than those around you, receiving compliments about how good you smell, good hair days, and lactose intolerance.
The Moral of the Story I Feel Compelled to Make Up
Look, sometimes in life the sauna will be closed. Usually it won’t be quite as bad as that; that was pretty heartbreaking. But when such terrible things happen, you’re going to have to keep going. You can’t just sit in the empty, cold sauna and mope. You’ve got to keep living life and who knows, maybe life will live you.
But if it gets really hard to bear, and the cruel lifeguards tell you it’ll always be that way, take heart. And eat a sandwich.
I typically go to the same ski hill over Martin Luther King Jr. weekend every year. There was a two year stretch where the Sauna was out of order. This means I went three full years without getting to use the sauna. Can you imagine the horror?
Wow, that’s awful!! If there’s anything I can do to console you, please let me know, Eli! That seems like a horribly traumatic experience.