“Yo, the dogs are out!”
“Why are you wearing flip flops?” (I wasn’t)
“You can’t wear sandals in months with R in it!”
There’s been a bit of a sandal scandal surrounding my footwear choices. Some people are downright offended at the sight of my toes, although they might just be jealous of the definition of my foot veins (unlike my arms). It really stinks to get off on the wrong foot with so many people.
But I shall never give in. Give me [foot] liberty or give me death! Dashing Galoots wear sandals in October!
How to Wear Sandals in October
It isn’t easy to do. Haters are gonna hate, and your toes will get cold. A couple tips will serve you well:
- Take cold showers to improve your circulation and tolerance
- Wear them with any outfit. Jeans, khaki shorts, slacks, romper – wear ’em.
- Feel free to add socks if you so choose
- If you feel your piggies starting to ice up, get a friend to massage the life back into them. If they refuse, you’ll get frostbite, but it’ll be worth it to expose a fake friend
5 Reasons Why You Should Wear Sandals in October
1. They’re Great for Running in…
…if you do it right. In my Bedrock sandals I can cruise past cross country runners with ease when we run together. Then they pass me back as I wheeze on the wayside, but at least I get temporary glory.
The lack of a cushioned sole is perfect for an uncushioned soul. To avoid injury, I must bound like a gazelle landing on the pads of my feet with prancing pizzazz. It makes sandaled runners look like a graceful screensaver, floating through the suspension of time.
This leads to more questioning. “You’re wearing sandals to run?!” Fantastic! Now I don’t need a pre-run snack, since I eat haters for breakfast!
2. Your Foot Sweat Can Dry Out
Shoes and socks make a moist combo. They stifle your foot and activate its sweat glands until your foot becomes the Everglades. That pond ain’t gonna feel good, and your feet are just going to sweat more to try to cool off.
Ever hear the rhyme about your piggy toes? Well, this little piggy went wee wee wee all the way home except he drowned in a sweat swamp first. It was probably more like wee wee wee worble worble blub blub blurp soggy bacon. Don’t be that piggy. Switch to sandals now.
3. It Shows You’re Cool Like That, Bro
Cuz lettin’ your toes hang loose is chill, man. YOU let the dogs out, as you should.
4. You Could Land a Lucrative Foot Modeling Job
“I became a foot model because my feet looked so good in socks and shoes,” said no one ever. If you’ve got ’em, flaunt ’em! Agents are going to walk right past people hiding their toes. It’s the bold free-footers who get the gigs and stay a step ahead.
Forget resumes. Forget LinkedIn. Forget networking. Begin footworking.
Once you get in the industry, the game is afoot. You think that model on the beach is wearing his real feet in the photo? Nah, they had to photoshop some healthy sandal feet onto his legs. That’s where you can make big cash.
Money will flood in; if you’re not sure yet if your feet are beautiful enough, don’t worry. Apparently it’s easy: you just need to bring good news.
5. October Is the Season for Feet
For those of you despairing of becoming a foot model, don’t worry. I have good news for you (and beautiful feet): October is the month for you, too. Most people have to dress up to terrify others on Halloween. You, on the other hand, can just wear sandals!
When kids ask Trick or Treat, it really means Trick or Feet. For you, this means it’s a trick either way. When the children see the woes of your toes, they will retreat from the treats. Either your candy budget can shrink or your stomach can grow!