Today on The Dashing Galoot we will be interviewing faithful reader Jonas D. about his cold, cold heart. Could you also be interviewed? Who knows, but it can’t hurt to comment below with adoring praise for this article!
Jonas, so how did this friendship with the cold begin?
Well, you see, I used to take really hot showers. Like, you know, the ones that turn you into a lobster. And I got to thinking that maybe looking like a popular dish on the East Coast wasn’t wise if I ever went there, so then I thought, “No one eats an ice cube, right?”
Well Jonas, I personally enjoy crunching those last few cubes in my glass of water, but you’re on the right track! What did you do then?
I started taking lukewarm showers. You know, like turn the knob half way. Shiver a lot. Then turn it another half-inch and whimper when the cold water hits.
Isn’t that self torture?
For most people, perhaps. But it made me feel manly! After I stepped out of my self-induced anti-sauna, I felt like I could chuck a vending machine!
And did you?
No, they’re dangerous. Kill more people than sharks. But I did get stronger and leaner and meaner. I took colder and colder showers until it didn’t get any colder.
And weren’t there any side effects?
Well, I did get the occasional brain freeze, but that reminds you of overindulging on ice cream, which is a happy thing, right? My skin was glowing, I was wide awake, I was full of energy, and I felt super good about myself!
So what did you do with your newfound powers?
Well, obviously I had to strut around wearing shorts when everyone else was wearing winter coats. I just loved being that guy who people ask, “Aren’t you cold?” and then I can just look smug and say, “It’s not that cold!” Plus, when I swim in cold water everyone else might hug themselves and shiver, but I just hop right in and gasp “Ahhhhh. This water is so refreshing!” very loudly so everyone else is sure to hear.
Does this mean you are using your powers for evil or for good?
You know, I consider myself to be a dashing galoot. And dashing galoots – they aren’t good, or evil, they just are. So some might say it’s evil or obnoxious or possibly even a poor comparison to Elsa’s powers from Frozen, but really it’s just what a Dashing Galoot is. And that makes me feel good just to be me and be who I am and just try to positively benefit the world.
Yes, you really seem to be doing the world a good turn, Jonas. Thanks for interviewing! Stick around for next time to read our rankings of Frozen Characters Ranked By Galootishness!
I’ll be sure to read it, Jonas!
Wait. That’s your name.
Mine too, actually.
Odd. Well, be sure to subscribe! There’s a little button below here on mobile for your email or on the sidebar if you’re on a computer! Thanks for reading and Galoot on!