Quick Oats Your Life!

You probably already want to Quick Oats your life. The thing is, you’ve probably also been calling it the wrong thing this whole time. Some people call it self-improvement, but I found the recipe on a Quick Oats box. Let me explain.

1. Bring water to a boil. Stir in oats

First, you’ve got to boil that water. This is the deceptive part of the Quick Oats strategy. You wait for the water, you wait, you wait, you wait – then BOOM! BUBBLES!

Now what is this water, you may ask? It’s your mind. It gets heated up by intellectual passion slowly and steadily until WHAM! It starts to bubble with Quick Oatsing like acne on an unwashed teenager’s face. Now this is the crucial moment, because wait too long and the water has boiled away and your 1 cup for 1 serving is now 1/8 cups for 1 serving. So you have to stir in oats!

Picture a concrete mixer slowly spinning its concrete, or a dainty milkmaid churning butter with muscled forearms. This is what must happen in your mind – a slow stewing of your oats you are inserting into your ready mind.

2. Cook for about 1 minute over medium heat or until thickened. Stir occasionally.

Now comes the question, when are you thickened enough? Fortunately, I have created a scale for you.

First, choose any food other than oatmeal. Second, decide when you would be most likely to eat that food. Then, refer to the chart below.

Snack: NOT THICK!

Breakfast: since oatmeal is ruled out already, NOT THICK!

Lunch: closer

Dinner: THICK!

You see, when you can describe your state of mind as a thick beef stew, you are ready for step three.

3. Stir before serving.

You still might not feel ready to present your new Quick Oats self, but step 3 gives you that final jiggle. If you’ve passed the last test, put on your favorite jam and groove. Reading the instructions is a little bit like reading a foreign language, but let me know in the comments if I got anything wrong.

CAUTION: Bowl and and contents may be hot

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