As Valentine’s Day approaches, it becomes harder and harder to stay single. You probably find, like me, that Cupid seems to have shot everyone you talk to. Perhaps the unwanted bouquets and chocolates are already piling up on your desk. You may be dreading the effort of hiring a moving van to take all your unwanted gifts to a charity drop-off.
You might be finding that all the love and attention is overwhelming, and it needs to stop!
Don’t worry! You can be saved from this disaster. After considering my audience’s most likely needs, I’ve written a list of the top 10 ways to stay single this Valentine’s Day. There really is a way to get a respite from the constant adoration.
1. Dress as a human stoplight
For some people, the issue is that suitors have no idea their love is unrequited. They need obvious signals to know whether their advances are welcome or not.
It would be far too awkward to actually tell them you’re not interested, so I have devised a much better solution. On days where you feel adventurous, wear green, but if you need a break from the attention, wear red. All you need then is a handy business card to give your suitors and they’ll painlessly and rapidly be set straight.
Make sure you wear layers of colors in case your mood changes during the day.
2. Become the leading expert on Q-Tip conspiracies
It can get unwieldy to have to wear specific colors every day. It might be easier instead to take a more intellectual approach. Nothing signals disinterest better than a long-winded Q-tip conspiracy theory. If you do your research, you could hold the unclaimed title of leading expert on Q-tip conspiracies.
Whenever someone approaches you too flirtatiously, just reply with one of your theories. By the third consecutive hour of you lecturing on how cotton swabs contain neurotransmitter-altering chemicals, the unwanted suitor will get the message.
3. Charge for every word you speak
Researching conspiracy theories might not be up your alley. Fortunately, there’s another method that takes almost no prep and makes you cash!
First, make a sign with your rates on it. I suggest something like 25¢ a word, plus $1 for jokes. Then when someone is giving you too much attention, say “Your free trial has ended” and hold up your sign.
At this point, either they give up and leave you alone, or they pay you exorbitant fees just to speak to them. It’s a win-win!
Important Note: This does not work in other situations, like with your boss.
4. Make a private bunker
For the crafty people out there, a bunker might be a better fit. Instead of going to dangerous places like sidewalks and grocery stores, you can stay perfectly safe within the confines of your well-stocked fortress.
Be careful that the walls are strong enough to withstand the force of wannabe lovers throwing themselves at you at Mach 3 (they can’t handle Mach 4; their hearts break first).
5. Incessantly promote your yodeling masterclass
This one is for those of you who are more musically inclined. Create an Austrian alter-ego, for starters. Work on your accent and keep a pair of lederhosen handy. Then when the suitors inevitably find you, flip the switch and start promoting your latest enterprise: a yodeling masterclass.
You start by telling them how great yodeling is and follow with a lecture on your superiority at the art. If they’re still with you at this point, bring out your terrifying left hook. Start yodeling.
This is difficult but effective. Bellow like a nauseated cow, or your suitor will immediately see through the ruse. Fill your lungs with the gusto of an alpine mountaineer! Your paparazzi will shrink away, realizing their complete unworthiness.
6. Carry a pickle as a decoy
If your bellowing isn’t quite up to par, there is another way. It involves misdirection of the love being showered on you. Find a large pickle and a way to easily carry it with you. Give your lovely pickle a name, like Edwin.
When a suitor approaches you, act like they’re addressing Edwin.
Nice Lady: “Hey, you look great today!”
You: “Aww, what a nice lady, isn’t she, Edwin? Edwin? Answer the nice lady! She said you look great!”
Nice Lady shakes her head and leaves, confused.
Nice Man: “Hey, do you want to go on a walk?”
You: “Wow, Edwin! The nice man wants to go on a walk with you!”
(to Nice Man) “I’m afraid he’s not very talkative.”
Nice Man: “Uh, well, I meant you.”
You: “You can just call him Edwin. Here!”
You hurry off, leaving Nice Man with Edwin looking completely lost.
7. Ride an enormous unicycle and crush your foes
They’re here. Pounding on your window. Screaming your name. Begging for just a clipping of your pinky toenail. You aren’t scared. You know what to do now. You whisper, “I AM a Dashing Galoot” and do what it takes to stay single.