This Christmas my gift to you is the 12 Dashing Galoot articles of Christmas – one every day until the big day itself. Check the site every morning to be the first to read these semi-Christmas-themed pieces of nonsense!
Snowman? Not cool.
Reindeer? Doe-n’t even get me started.
There is one Christmas decoration that stands far above the others. Nutcrackers.
Most decorations are simply eye candy. Occasionally they are candy. But nutcrackers serve a purpose! They crack your nuts! (with style, too)
Many of us may not have nuts to crack. Some of us prefer the unshelled, soft variety. In fact, I myself do. It’s more convenient. But if you ever find yourself in a situation where you need a nut opened in a jiffy, having a useful Christmas decoration will be far better.
Nutcrackers do many other things for you as well. What if you get attacked by a rabid slug? Quickly, pull out your nutcracker and squish it into sludge! Spider attack? Don’t worry, your nutcracker will defend you!
Do you worry that you bite your fingernails too often? Your nutcracker can do it for you! Instead of wasting saliva and toothpower, you can pry a spiffy waistcoat up and down until your nails are perfectly munched.
Would you like to practice ventriloquy? Nutcrackers to the rescue! Move their handsome mouths open and shut as you try to speak unintelligibly creepy things.
Plus, they look absolutely dashing sitting on a ledge or on your front lawn. Why hire a bodyguard when you could have a better looking wooden one that only leaves when you stash it in the attic for summer? Perhaps they could be useful in the summer, too, when you use it to pulverize impudent skeeters trying to suck your blood.
Nutcrackers are the real heroes of Christmas. Stop praising Santa Claus and get a nice guy who will help you out in and with a pinch.