The ground is covered in snakes. They are looking for a juicy rump to snack on. You are weary after kilometers of walking and want to relax worse than a fully stretched rubber band. What to do?
Squat! Your bottom hovers inches above the slitherer’s heads and is safe. You sigh a sigh of relief as the snakes sigh a sigh of starvation.
You are cleaning a septic tank. You slosh through thick, gross liquid performing noble things for the sake of civilization. Thigh-high boots guard you from the sludge but not the stench. Soon you start to feel over-stinked, and you want to sit down. But that would be nasty with a capital T! Instead you squat, and your legs rejoice that they get a break.
These common circumstances are not the only times squatting is useful. While avoiding snakes and scouring sewage are basic human experiences, squatting instead of sitting has many other wonderful qualities .
Squats Make You More Limber & Lithe
I am writing this whole article while squatting. I feel the burn. It’s like the pores in my legs were sucking in Red Hot candies, IcyHot, and a shot of bourbon simultaneously. But through this pain, I gain.
My ankles used to creak incessantly. After spraining both ankles, they would snap and crackle every step. The noise was especially obvious to me when I would walk barefoot. A basic trip down the hallway sounded like a middle school percussion ensemble.
Then I started relaxing in a squat position more regularly. My calves and achilles stretched and lengthened, and one day I realized the creaking was gone. I can’t definitively blame the squatting – it might also have been the increase in foot strength from wearing thin sandals – but it seemed a likely cause.
Squatting seems to primarily stretch the calves, achilles, and hips. A narrow squat makes my calves burn, and I feel a wide squat mostly in my hips. The more often you squat, the more comfortable it gets, until you can easily hold it for minutes (or much more).
This is handy when I’m outside and don’t want to sit on wet or thorny ground. It also feels amazing after spending a long time standing or sitting. Scrunching up somehow seems to loosen up.
Squatting = Super Scary Predator
I used to find it very entertaining to try to shove floaty toys as far as I could under the water. I still do, to be honest. It’s fascinating to see how such a small object struggles so hard to surface then flies out of the water like it was choking. Little brothers are funny that way.
Just kidding. I never drowned my siblings.
But that tension is what is stored in a squatting galoot. RAW POWER ready to explode! A crouching figure could easily leap up and pounce on an unsuspecting victim.
A sitting person is passive. To even stand up, one sitting must first crouch or pull on something for leverage. Sitting has none of the inherent vigor of squatting! When someone says they’ll “sit on” an idea, it means they’ll do nothing! They’ll think about butterflies and rainbows and get nothing done! But if one says they’ll “squat on” an idea, you know things will get done. Get out of that guy’s way before you get sat on like the idea.
Imagine yourself at a social gathering. A healthy number of socialites recline on armchairs and loveseats around a crackling fire. Entering the room, you spare a haughty glance for the lone empty chair before slowly lowering yourself into a crouch near the fire. You then strike up a breezy conversation with a socialite next to you. You do most of the talking on account of their jaw hanging near to the floor in awe of your powerful pose.
You could easily become highly respected in your social circles with this one powerful move.
Squatting Increases Empathy and Table Usage
Some tables are too low to stand at and not quite right for your chairs. Entrê le squat! I don’t know what language that is, but you get my point. Sink to the table’s level by comfortably squatting. No table or counter or sink or shower will ever be too low for you.
The same goes for talking to people shorter than you. To have a true heart-to-heart or to really see eye-to-eye, the body part in question must be level with each other. If you slightly lower yourself until your heights are aligned, the other person will feel much more dignified. This works especially well with small children.
To help you with your squatting journey, I’ve prepared a chart of your daily squatting. Please print it off and put it on your wall!
When you complete your squat journey, be sure to repost and share!
