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Floppy Hair

I like to have a growth mindset. Since I seem to have stopped growing taller, I had to find a new way to grow. I grew a beard, and I grew some muscles, but that wasn’t enough for me. I knew I had to grow more.

So I let my hair grow. One might have thought this decision would have universal support. After all, I was making the world a better place by saving the sharpness of scissors. Plus, the world needed another emo-looking punk dude. But the haters still came for me.

First, they told me I’m blond. I’m not blond. It’s brown with blond parts. No matter how blond it looks, they’re wrong. Why should they get to tell me what color my hair is?

Then they whispered horrible things behind my back. People asked my brother whether I dyed my hair. Aside from why they thought my brother would now my hairdressing habits, why couldn’t they ask me? The answer is no, I did not dye it, the sun removes melanin from my hair and soon it will be white entirely.

Then some people even dared to roast my appearance! It’s not a bowl cut! There was no cut! I didn’t get a haircut!

The audacity. Fortunately, I didn’t care what they thought. It’s part of being a dashing galoot. So now I have floppy hair.

There are many benefits of having floppy hair. Let me monologue briefly (inside the larger monologue that this blog is) about what it is like to have hair like mine.

I wake up and brush the errant hairs out of my eyes. As I stand up, I reach back and shake my mane. It wiggles luxuriously in the air. Everyone else is still sleeping, so I enjoy this beauty alone.

Later that day, I am lifeguarding . I fling myself into the water and resurface. I flip my brown locks back and squelch the water out. Yum. My head is cool.

I feel each individual strand coming out of my head. I even feel one in my mouth. It’s kind of weird. I stop eating my hair. I run my fingers through it and smirk at everyone else who is longingly gazing at my hair, also wanting to run their fingers through it.

I start to feel guilty. Maybe I should cut it, so they’re not so jealous. But then I reconsider. To remove these tresses would be to rob the world of splendor far beyond these mortal’s yearnings. I will keep my hair.

It is a bit of a sacrifice for me to have long hair. It gets in my face. It tickles my ears. It makes it hard to pull away from the mirror. But it is worth it for the good it does for the world.

It reduces the need for national parks

National parks take up a lot of space, and often contain natural resources that could be mined or farmed. It would be convenient if we had other national treasures to replace them.

Many people visit national parks to look at nature’s beauty. With my long hair, I can fulfill that need without acres of land. People can take a hike and look at me instead, and they will be even more struck with awe than if they saw sequoias or mountains.

It reduces the need for coffee

Many people drink coffee to help wake themselves up. This is unfortunate, because coffee isn’t usually locally sourced. It has to be transported long distances, like from a coffee pot to a coffee mug. It’s also expensive, unlike reading the ALWAYS FREE WEBSITE THE DASHING GALOOT. Shameless plug, yet you might need to plug your nose if you drink bad coffee.

My long hair can solve all of these worries. No fusses, no messes, just look at the tresses. Instead of relying on coffee to focus, people can take in my flowing locks and enter into their own flow state by association. I can be the distraction to end all distractions.

It blows really nicely in the wind

The wind has feelings, too. And just because all of those jealous onlookers can’t run their fingers through my hair doesn’t mean the wind can’t. It does.

This is very relaxing for the wind, which helps everyone else as well. When the wind is relaxed, it is less likely to turn into hurricanes and tornados and whatnot. By having long hair, I am helping prevent severe weather worldwide. In fact, ever since I have had long hair, there has not been a single tornado, hurricane, typhoon, monsoon, cyclone, or squall around me.

At this point, it might seem like I have a big head. Don’t worry, that’s just the extra hair padding it out. My head is normal sized. But if you still think I’m being egotistical, feel free to roast my hair in the comments or suggest a new haircut.

Dashing? Not? Say how you feel!