Do you want to get stronger? Do you want to have the power of a steroid-injected hippopotamus coursing through your veins? Do you want to be so energetic that Red Bulls drink you for a pick-me-up?
Look no further. That is, you can look further, but only farther down the page. Further down the page? You tell me, you juiced hippo. Either way, I’ve got the goods for you.
Anyone could tell you working out is the way to get stronger. But besides a few basics, there’s a whole lot of different advice you’ll get. Forget all of that. I’ve got the one secret to make your workouts better, make you beefier, and your whale side less beached.
(If you don’t have a whale side, you’re doing whale already. Ha. Ha.)
Hey, wait a minute, though. Let me have a disclaimer so that when you fail miserably you can blame yourself instead of me. To succeed you’ll need to stay consistent, eat healthy, get enough sleep, stay motivated, be happy, meditate at least 8 times a week, never sit down again, and have Chuck Norris whisper sweet nothings into your ear.
But, once you do that, all you have to do is work out in silence.
Wow. Gasp. Sharp intake of breath.
SHH. I said silence.
I’ll do the talking here. When you work out, you’ll turn off your music. You’ll turn off your podcasts. You’ll even turn off your motivational throat singer.
Why? Let me count the ways (that’s a poetry quotation – aren’t I sophisticated?):
You’ll Hear the Siren Call of Gainz Lord
You’ll never experience true silence during your workouts. But that’s not the point. When you cut out your music, podcasts, or motivational throat singers (cut out figuratively, of course), you create a void that can be filled with superior noises.
Immediately, you’ll notice annoying noises. The generic gym music. The sweaty dude grunting next to you as he flexes in the mirror. The sweaty dude next to him grunting in anti-narcissistic disgust. Everyone else slowly joining in until they create a rhythmic chant and grunts fill the room with a powerful, cultic beat.
You wouldn’t have noticed any of that with headphones on. But that’s not all that silence can do for you.
After a while, you’ll fall so deeply into a music-less trance that the chanting will start to morph and take on a personality of its own. If others aren’t chanting, you’ll start. You’ll hear the voice of Gainz Lord.
Once you’ve heard his transformative voice, you’ll never be the same. Motivation will fill every vein of your body. You won’t be able to stop yourself from doubling the amount of reps you do. You’ll sling around weights like they’re styrofoam replicas and your grandma told you to take out the trash.
But that’s not all.
The Bejeebers Will All Be Yours
There’s nothing more intimidating than working out bare-eared.
First of all, people know you can hear them grunt. You can hear their moans of pain as they struggle with their self-inflicted pain.
Second, they know you don’t need petty diversions to coddle your mind. They realize you’ve spent countless hours of your life – hours they’ve spent listening to stuff – plotting. Plotting what? Only you know, and that’s terrifying.
Those two factors combined will cause you to scare the bejeebers out of everyone else. You can then casually scoop them off the ground and pocket them for later.
Even if you’re working out alone, this tactic is effective. If you have a mirror, you can terrify your reflection just as easily. You know that reflection is listening to Justin Bieber and other great songs while trying to keep up with your exercise moves. You’ll scare all of the bejeebers out of your reflection once it sees you going audio-less.
You’ll Hear Your Muscles Tearing and Growing
Muscle growth happens because exercise tears the fibers apart so that they can grow back again bigger. Normally, you don’t notice this happening except when you feel sore.
When you work out silently, you start to attune to this part of your body. As you move your body strenuously, you start to hear a faint ripping sound, like a pants zipper opening. Soon, you hear that sound more and more often. That’s your muscles shredding so they can grow.
Once you start to master the art of silence, you begin to hear another noise. Sort of like a construction site, but if you combined it with the sound of someone biting slightly soggy shredded wheat. You can hear your muscles growing.
This isn’t useful, but it’s really cool. That’s not all, though.
You Can Create Your Own Symphony
Maybe you miss that music, after all these benefits. That’s perfectly natural. You just have a longing for good music.
But what you were listening to wasn’t good music. I don’t know what it was, but it wasn’t. However, once you go silent, you’ll be able to create your own good music.
It won’t conform to the typical standards you find on abominations like Spotify. (but if you do like Spotify… there’s one good thing there) It’ll set new rules of music. But how?
You’ll let your body make the noises it wants to make. Not gross ones. Just natural grunts and such.
When you struggle to get the bar lifted up, let the grunt escape your lips. Let your knees creak as you jump around. Let your heart thump wildly as you sprint down the street like there’s a gangster with silly string behind you. All of that will mesh gorgeously into one, beautiful symphony.
You’ll Become Invincible
“All war is based on deception,” says the great master of war, Sun Tzu. Thus, the best way to not be warred on must be perception. With perfect perception there can be no deception.
You’ve probably figured out where I’m going with this. Without noise filling your ears, you’ll pick up on what’s going around you. You’ll see that preschooler wiping her nose with her hand. You’ll hear the soft scraping of a sharpening knife. You’ll smell the presence of an unwashed body approaching at 2.8 m/s.
And none of it will be able to touch you. If they can’t fool you, they can’t win a war against you.
You might counter that bad guys don’t need surprise if they have a gun. But with enough perception, you’d be ready for just that. Among other solutions, you might have prepared your oversized golf cart to help your assailant resemble a tortilla.
If you work out silently, you’ll start becoming invincible.
There’s clearly more benefits, too many for me to name. You’ll have to try it and experience them for yourself. Please remember that none of these are guaranteed unless you follow all of the steps included in the disclaimer above.
Good luck and have a very silent night! (or day. or knight. or nite. or nit. but i hope that small insect eggs are not being noisy)
I feel like this was made as a rebuttal towards me
You may have been the inspiration for this one 😀