It’s that time of year again. Dashing Galoot readers are being swarmed by potential suitors, begging for just a hair from their arm or a word from their personal diaries. Don’t give in.
Last year I wrote the ultimate guide for those who are trying to keep the masses at bay: 7 Ways to Stay Single This Valentine’s Day. But you might have exhausted those methods by now, which is why I’ve provided 7 MORE ways to stay single. Even if you don’t want to be single, you can selectively apply these strategies to keep the worst of your pursuers away.
1. Whack people with American Cheese Singles
Romance can be a subtle game. This takes all the nuance out of the equation. Instead of hinting, “I don’t like you,” you’ll make sure the message hits its spot. Literally.
Carry around a stack of cheese singles. Whenever someone is a little bit too flirtatious with you, unwrap your cheese as fast as you can and smack them in the face while saying, “Single!” They can interpret whether it applies to you or to them.
While they recover from the shock of getting whacked with cheese, you confidently saunter off. You can be assured that their feelings won’t be too hurt, since they have a slice of cheese to do what they want with (like eat it).
2. Impersonate a Mole
While looking like a Russian spy, a tiny scientific measurement, or a zoomed-in skin growth would probably also be effective, I’m talking about the burrowing animal. Nothing says, “I want to be alone” like looking like a mole.
Moles do not dig tunnels wide enough for two. If you crawl behind a mole, you will get dirt flung on you very hard. And they have long claws to help keep away pests. The claws might be a nice addition to your get-up.
If your digging skills are a little rusty, you can stay above ground while still dressing like a mole. But make sure to carry some dirt around to fling onto people following behind you.
Sometimes a demonstration will be necessary to prove that you actually are feeling mole-like and not just looking like one. Since being buried alive is unpleasant, you could instead consume portions of the typical mole meal, like cranefly larvae and slugs. Chew thoroughly!
3. Turn on sad breakup songs whenever anyone comes around, then tell them how much you like foreshadowing
It’s good to be clear about your intentions. Nothing is more cruel than leading someone on only to crush their heart when they find out you want to stay a single Galoot. So instead of being subtle, play sad breakup songs to make the message clear.
You can roll a large speaker behind you wherever you go, and keep a playlist handy so the tunes can blast whenever anyone gets too close. And if you think they haven’t gotten the message yet, start discussing your favorite literary devices, and emphasize how much you adore foreshadowing. To drive home your point, turn up the music at that moment.
4. Intensely avoid eye contact
Eye contact is the baking soda of love. If you’re trying to keep your romantic life as flat as a tortilla, it’s best to stay away from that dangerous ingredient. Everyone knows how dangerous being close to other people or *gasp* touching is, but eye contact is where it all begins.
There are several highly effective methods to prevent eye contact. The easiest way is to wear sunglasses all of the time. No one will be able to see your eyes, while you can stare at them all you want. However, people might start to think you’re a poker player or concussed, and perhaps that would be undesirable to you.
You could also just use willpower to avoid looking at people at all. Either intensely focusing on their bellybuttons or looking the other way should keep you safe. They are likely to wonder why you are acting so shy (or rude), so have an explanation prepared. I don’t recommend, “Because your face is hard to look at,” so perhaps try, “I am stretching my eyes” instead.
The third and most drastic method is to get extremely large fake eyelashes. Once you apply your new lashes, your eyes should be completely covered. You will look like you are constantly batting your lashes very demurely, which might lure in more suitors, but at least you will be safe from eye contact as your eyes will be invisible. Unfortunately, just about everything else will also be invisible for you. I recommend one of the other options.
5. Say “I love you…topia”
This option goes against the spirit of clarity in #3, but if you’d like to be harsh, start by saying to a suitor, “I love you…” and quickly switch to saying “utopia” instead of “you”. While their confused and possibly heart-broken face languishes in shock, you continue on explaining your ideal utopia.
For example, you might take this as an opportunity to share your neo-Marxist leanings (I’m starting to reference Communism all the time; I’m really not a supporter). Rant about the oppressive capitalists! Share the beauties of a civilization unfettered by greed and avarice!
Maybe you have a different idea of utopia not founded on a political system. Maybe a utopia is the people in it. In that case, you can spew your thoughts on how a utopia is necessarily comprised of people not at all like them and if that ultimate, beautiful perfection is even possible, it would certain not contain a low-down scum like them.
They will be confused, if not frightened, by this point, and you’ll be able to leave without hindrance.
6. Start a bellybutton lint collection
Most people find bellybutton lint and promptly dispose of it. It might serve you better to hang onto that lint. At first, take it out and stash it away. Then when it reaches a critical mass (about 58.3 grams, give or take) weave the lint into an artistic pattern. As new lint comes along, you can incorporate it into your creative designs.
You’ll have to store this somewhere for easy access. Fortunately, you have a natural storage space for bellybutton lint: your bellybutton.
Return the lint to your navel, using glue or tape if necessary.
Then, whenever the situation calls for it, display your collection. As you start to lift your shirt, the person will probably think you’re displaying your amazing abs. Then they see your lint.
Their jaw drops. Their cheeks droop. They start to lose all mental function out of combined awe and disgust at your collection. You replace your shirt and stroll off, leaving them zombified in place.
7. Give confusing compliments
Usually, compliments are a good way to become not single. Properly used, they can also be a force for isolation.
Don’t simply insult them. That would just be basic and, one might say, rude. Instead of saying, “I like your shirt,” saying “At least I like your shirt” is not nice and certainly not dashing.
How can one be dashing and still fend suitors off with compliments?
Compliment them in a way that is entirely ambiguous and seems illogical.
For example: “You smell like a well-prepared brussels sprout.” It’s not mean; you said it was a well-prepared brussels sprout. And those are very healthy vegetables. But what does it mean? You don’t have to know.
Another one: “Your eyes remind me of the pyramids.” Because they’re sandy? They’re widely renowned? They’re weathered away by centuries of time? No one will be able to say.
People will think, “Wow, what a nice guy/gal. S/he just doesn’t get me, though.” Thus, you will be peacefully separated.
If none of these solutions work for you, I’m sorry. You must just be too dashing, and that’s the price you pay. But if these answers have fixed your problems, and you’re now successfully single, great! Enjoy your Valentine’s Day.